I am working as typist/mail girl at my mum’s clinic three days this week and all of next. They’re only 5hr days and it’s not a real job, but it is better than hanging around.

My mum was saying things like “yeah it’s not exactly putting your brains to use” and I pointed out that jobs of that level are the kind I am currently applying for and failing to get, it’s not as though I’m going to do better if I ever to do get a real job, and she said something along the lines of “negative thought patterns blah blah!!” but… no?

I was talking about this yesterday with Tim. My mum honestly believes that I have wonderful qualifications that will eventually get me an awesome job, quite fairly because in her generation that would have been true. So it’s what I was always told, my whole life: “You’re smart! You have to go to uni so you can get a good job and be successful!” But it’s not the case now; you can be bright and qualified without it meaning much at all to an employer. And it’s difficult to see various people I know who never got a degree (or did a short degree, even) in satisfying careers and financially so much better off than I am, with my $21g HECS debt and the missed income of six years when I could have been earning a full-time wage, and coming out of it with prospects that are only minimally better than those I had going in (if indeed better at all, given the employment experience and opportunities for promotion those years would have provided). Missing out on success by choosing education was never presented to me as a possibility when I was a teenager. And to be honest, I feel betrayed by that. I feel like I was promised things that weren’t true, and I feel like I have fucked myself over by taking that on and not thinking about it harder and making a better plan when I could have.

Today I did a lot of things that would have made for a good day off. Slept in. Washed, cleaned, baked. Played Escape from Monkey Island. But all tarnished by the fact that there is nothing to be off from.

I’m actually fine, financially? Provided I get a job in the next year or whatever. My savings are far better than they’ve ever been, and I am used to living on nothing. Moving out of my parents’ house (which, beyond getting a job, is my primary life goal atm) is obviously put off indefinitely and I won’t be buying much that is new or cool, but my lifestyle is cheap and will be okay. The morale is the problem. Even when I have been out of uni and not working (or not working a proper job), I have never been completely at sea before. I’ve always had something in the works.

Need to apply for a few ASO2s by Friday but to be honest I’m finding it hard to summon the energy.

I also tried to look into migrant homework clubs etc that I can volunteer for, but they all take place during business hours and want you to commit on more than an “until I get a job” basis :(

I’m wondering if I shouldn’t just try to go into teaching now no matter how much I don’t want the lifestyle. It may be the only way to make myself be okay with how I spent the last six years?

Whinge mope mope.

Anyway I don’t care if this sounds like I’ve got tickets on myself: I was meant to do better than not really expecting to get interviews for high-school-graduate-level admin positions at the age of 25, and I reserve the right to be disappointed in myself for at least a week longer.

Have totally finished my degree (again!)!

In other news, for the last three nights straight my home phone has rung at about this time (6:30ish). When I answer I get silence, followed by a little piano tune, followed by hanging up. WHAT IS THIS?!

Still no idea what I am doing with the rest of my life :(

Talking to Tim on MSN today, I managed to articulate what I am actually looking for in a career:
- it should be meaningful
- it should pay well
- it should not be very hard or take up all my time

I do not think this job is a real job!

IDK, the three months I did of full time data entry last year have made me hyperaware of the need to not get my soul sucked. This is mainly what I am trying to avoid. It is all a bit scary.

Also apparently I am all quiet and frowny lately. I am sorry, this is why :(

Most of it was a little bit fudged. The question is: was it fudged well? And time will tell!!

Now I just have a 6 hr placement in the new arrivals program at a primary school next week, and then I have finished my degree \o/

Now… job :(

Hum.

I am looking at the local ballot measures. They are quite interesting. No gay marriage, but medical marijuana use and stem cell research in Michigan, and… euthanasia in Washington, really?

Fun leader facts: the years 1996-2007 (ages 12-24) were apparently formative enough for me that when I hear people mention the Prime Minister, I still think they mean John Howard until I do a double-take. Hm!

Too much stress, can’t focus.

It’s not as though I have THAT MANY things to do, it’s that all of it wants to be done ALREADY:

- ASSIGNMENT. NOT DONE, DUE YESTERDAY.
- 6 hours of professional practice project. Requires me to have a whole day free. Was meant to be done by last week but I haven’t been able to fit it in without taking any more days off work which I’m not allowed to take because my boss is in hospital and I’ve already only worked about 7 days in the last two months because of other uni demands e.g. prac and… lectures?
- Marking, so overdue. Did some of this at the basketball last weekend but got told off by a magpie.
- 3-hr exam next Wednesday for a subject I have learned nothing about! Need to take the textbook out of its plastic???

I am exhausted, need holiday :((((

So an hour later I had a shower, and tried the scales again upon exit… and was already 1.5kg less :-/ Add to that 12 hours of digestion, and tomorrow morning I might weigh about 500g more than I usually do :-/ So suddenly EVERYTHING IS OKAY AGAIN.

I don’t even know.

This is my last assignment though! After this I just need to do 6 hrs of placement and an exam. And other minor bits and pieces. I asked for tomorrow off work so I could get it finished, and they said no, but to come in and just do reception and no one will give me any work to do so I can write my assignment all day. Heh! I have Good Working Conditions. (This is because they don’t want me to quit! Which I have no intention of doing anyway, unless I get offered a full-time, awesome-paying degree-based job? And I’m not really in a rush.)

Halloween was fun, I will blog when I (hopefully) get photos.

ASSIGNMENTS SUCK.

I HATE ASSIGNMENTS. THEY ARE SO BORING. HELP.

Edit: And I’m sick again :( Fourth time on drugs this month. My body keeps screwing me over :( Not really handling it so well any more :( It’s exhausting and it’s freaking me out that I can’t get it to stop :(

This weekend I was not at home from 8am Friday until 11:15pm Sunday. I am tired and my homework is Not Done At All.

Also I am all weird and sick. So I was way stroppy at work today. My bosses were trying to give me work all afternoon and I was like NO!! Too busy!! Leave me alone!! and… they did? Then it got to 4:30pm and I was like… oh. I am quite comfortably almost done? And I was out by 5:01! I need to be a bitch more often! Or be nicer, and not get fired.

I struggled with the lack of momentum last time I finished uni. One of the main reasons teaching appealed to me, apart from a desire to save the world with textbooks, is that it does have that sense of going somewhere; you are watching/helping people grow. However, teaching really scares me as a profession :/ First year out is meant to be horrible; I think one in two new teachers doesn’t make it past their second year before they change careers? That is lots!!! I am troubled by: the long hours, the high professional standards, the myriad airborne illnesses, the prospect of never choosing when I take my annual leave, being left too exhausted to do anything but work… I have this feeling I should look into jobs that are related to teaching, but are not teaching? Something that the MA would help me out with? Full-time tutoring, student support, curriculum design, something at the headquarters… etc? Um if anyone knows anything about this please share.

IDK. I like change. I like most of the changiness in my life at the moment. But this one makes me freak out and want my rut back :/

BETTER.

I am getting eye surgery tomorrow morning. I’m excited! Last time they gave me free sunnies, I hope they give me free sunnies? Then these are the things I’m not allowed to do:

- driving for 1 day
- using makeup or shampoo for 3 days
- sleeping unless I have eyepatch on for 3 days
- swimming or contact sports for 1 week
- touching my eye for 1 week

The lack of shampoo is what really takes its toll. Ew.

Wah.

Of the four assignments due tomorrow, I’ve done threeish. These assignments are stress’s foot in the door, and then everything else that sucks can waltz right in :-/ Can’t get sick, need to have surgery on Thursday!! Possibly going crazy.

Woke up cranky. Went to work cranky. Ate too many biscuits to try to get less cranky. Sent cranky emails. Crankily broke my $10 sunglasses. Came home cranky. Had a cranky chat with Tim.

Now will crankily write a major assignment in one night :( And then another one tomorrow night.

LAME.

Edit: Cheering self up by window-shopping for new sunnies instead of doing homework. I would like these. They cost $940 more than my previous sunnies?

MY HEAD HURTS.

Anyway, today Josh came over and literally sat next to me going “100 more reps words, okay now 100 more, look you’re nearly done!” until I finished an entire assignment! And then he made me start the next one. So now, I only have 4.5 more to finish in the next week!

Well “only”. But still it was good.