I put together my new bed today. It took HOURS. My hand hurts a lot :( But I am not sleeping on the floor tonight!

I am working as typist/mail girl at my mum’s clinic three days this week and all of next. They’re only 5hr days and it’s not a real job, but it is better than hanging around.

My mum was saying things like “yeah it’s not exactly putting your brains to use” and I pointed out that jobs of that level are the kind I am currently applying for and failing to get, it’s not as though I’m going to do better if I ever to do get a real job, and she said something along the lines of “negative thought patterns blah blah!!” but… no?

I was talking about this yesterday with Tim. My mum honestly believes that I have wonderful qualifications that will eventually get me an awesome job, quite fairly because in her generation that would have been true. So it’s what I was always told, my whole life: “You’re smart! You have to go to uni so you can get a good job and be successful!” But it’s not the case now; you can be bright and qualified without it meaning much at all to an employer. And it’s difficult to see various people I know who never got a degree (or did a short degree, even) in satisfying careers and financially so much better off than I am, with my $21g HECS debt and the missed income of six years when I could have been earning a full-time wage, and coming out of it with prospects that are only minimally better than those I had going in (if indeed better at all, given the employment experience and opportunities for promotion those years would have provided). Missing out on success by choosing education was never presented to me as a possibility when I was a teenager. And to be honest, I feel betrayed by that. I feel like I was promised things that weren’t true, and I feel like I have fucked myself over by taking that on and not thinking about it harder and making a better plan when I could have.

Unemployment is laaaaaame.

Today I did a lot of things that would have made for a good day off. Slept in. Washed, cleaned, baked. Played Escape from Monkey Island. But all tarnished by the fact that there is nothing to be off from.

I’m actually fine, financially? Provided I get a job in the next year or whatever. My savings are far better than they’ve ever been, and I am used to living on nothing. Moving out of my parents’ house (which, beyond getting a job, is my primary life goal atm) is obviously put off indefinitely and I won’t be buying much that is new or cool, but my lifestyle is cheap and will be okay. The morale is the problem. Even when I have been out of uni and not working (or not working a proper job), I have never been completely at sea before. I’ve always had something in the works.

Need to apply for a few ASO2s by Friday but to be honest I’m finding it hard to summon the energy.

I also tried to look into migrant homework clubs etc that I can volunteer for, but they all take place during business hours and want you to commit on more than an “until I get a job” basis :(

I’m wondering if I shouldn’t just try to go into teaching now no matter how much I don’t want the lifestyle. It may be the only way to make myself be okay with how I spent the last six years?

Whinge mope mope.

I’d like to apologise to everyone who’s had to deal with me for the last few weeks. I know it’s a lot of moping. You get used to being on a certain trajectory, and when it crashes out on you, there is a period of adjustment… which in my case manifests itself as mild to moderate despondence, and being really boring and annoying.

Anyway I don’t care if this sounds like I’ve got tickets on myself: I was meant to do better than not really expecting to get interviews for high-school-graduate-level admin positions at the age of 25, and I reserve the right to be disappointed in myself for at least a week longer.

Okay I totally got a credit on the exam I feared I failed.

Have totally finished my degree (again!)!

In other news, for the last three nights straight my home phone has rung at about this time (6:30ish). When I answer I get silence, followed by a little piano tune, followed by hanging up. WHAT IS THIS?!

Provided I pass everything I have handed up, I have completed the requirements for my (latest) degree now.

Still no idea what I am doing with the rest of my life :(

Talking to Tim on MSN today, I managed to articulate what I am actually looking for in a career:
- it should be meaningful
- it should pay well
- it should not be very hard or take up all my time

I do not think this job is a real job!

IDK, the three months I did of full time data entry last year have made me hyperaware of the need to not get my soul sucked. This is mainly what I am trying to avoid. It is all a bit scary.

Also apparently I am all quiet and frowny lately. I am sorry, this is why :(

I did my exam!

Most of it was a little bit fudged. The question is: was it fudged well? And time will tell!!

Now I just have a 6 hr placement in the new arrivals program at a primary school next week, and then I have finished my degree \o/

Now… job :(

Hm I have an exam tomorrow! I am about to start studying for it this morning, as I have been busy finishing assignments, being sick, working and… having a life. All noble causes but ultimately bad for my ability to pass Curriculum and Assessment.

Hum.

My assignment is done and Barack Obama is US president elect… today is better than yesterday!

I am looking at the local ballot measures. They are quite interesting. No gay marriage, but medical marijuana use and stem cell research in Michigan, and… euthanasia in Washington, really?

Fun leader facts: the years 1996-2007 (ages 12-24) were apparently formative enough for me that when I hear people mention the Prime Minister, I still think they mean John Howard until I do a double-take. Hm!

My assignment is not done :(

Too much stress, can’t focus.

It’s not as though I have THAT MANY things to do, it’s that all of it wants to be done ALREADY:

- ASSIGNMENT. NOT DONE, DUE YESTERDAY.
- 6 hours of professional practice project. Requires me to have a whole day free. Was meant to be done by last week but I haven’t been able to fit it in without taking any more days off work which I’m not allowed to take because my boss is in hospital and I’ve already only worked about 7 days in the last two months because of other uni demands e.g. prac and… lectures?
- Marking, so overdue. Did some of this at the basketball last weekend but got told off by a magpie.
- 3-hr exam next Wednesday for a subject I have learned nothing about! Need to take the textbook out of its plastic???

I am exhausted, need holiday :((((

What’s stupid is how, no matter how long I am an “ideal weight” (although a less-than-ideal fitness, but I have made peace with that), no matter how long I maintain that weight without any conscious effort any more, my mood is still linked so directly to what numbers come up on the scales. I have been eating a bit poorly lately and not had time for any specific exercise (although my incidental exercise is decent c/o working a long way from the bus stop). So my concern hit critical mass tonight and I got on the scales right after dinner with all my clothes on and… I was 3kg more than I am used to weighing! So suddenly, oh god, I am going to flunk out of uni, all my friends hate me, I am going to stack on 30kg before the end of the year… PANIC! :-/

So an hour later I had a shower, and tried the scales again upon exit… and was already 1.5kg less :-/ Add to that 12 hours of digestion, and tomorrow morning I might weigh about 500g more than I usually do :-/ So suddenly EVERYTHING IS OKAY AGAIN.

I don’t even know.